from pocket, to use

I already receieved my first tranch check from CInemalaya. It's funny how it just passed through my hands and...gone. As if I've never felt the money coming into my pockets. some xxx amount came in to my bank acct but it is already set to repay for the project's balances. ANother xxx amount just came in from a someone who gave me a good deal but will soon say goodbye to the check. Being in a film production feels like im also in a business, running up and down to find funds. Actually I felt bad about myself, borrowing money for the first time in my 27 years of biological existence in this world. The first time I personally ask someone "could please lend me some cash?" I never imagined I will ask that question in my entire life. But nevertheless, there's always time for a first time. I just feel so stained, and I feel so poor. It's not a bad thing to borrow money but I never thought I will come to a point of desperation just for the sake of filming this movie. Gladly I'm slowly crawling up to fill up the budget for the production...need money now, and tomorrow! Must find all those cash scattered around the world.